First Thoughts

 

So, I’ve just been referred to the cancer hospital and will likely have surgery on my dick within a month.

Ouch!!!

The next hours through the evening and a largely sleepless night are just brain mash, thoughts coming and going, rapidly and randomly. It was exhausting,

It must be Ok – he said he thought it had been found early

 But I’m going to have an operation within a month, surely it would not be so fast without any concerns

Will I end up feeling less of a man

How do I tell my mum I’ve got this cancer?

What happens next

How do I fit work in, will I need time off and how much?

It will be fine - he said he thought it had been found early

But I’m going to have an operation within a month, surely it would not be so fast without any concerns

I want to go on holiday, we’re booked to go in 4 weeks. Will we get the money back?

When will I get a date for the operation?

The sooner the better.

Will it hurt? How much? For how long?

It will be fine - he said he thought it had been found early

What will people think? Will they snigger? Will they think I’ve got it because I’ve been up to no good? (which I haven’t!)

Will I feel less of a man? Yes, of course I will.

But, it will be fine - he said he thought it had been found early. I’ll still be alive!

How do you deal with knob pain?

What about going to the toilet? Will I have to sit down? How do I manage that out and about? I’ll have to stay at home more.

Who should I tell, when and how? The full story or just selective parts?

It will be OK, won’t it? – the urologist did say that he thought it had been found early.

But what if he is wrong?

But he’s probably right.

I really want to go on holiday!

I really, really want to go on holiday.

This will be quite the conversation at the work photocopier.

What will it end up looking like?

I still want to go on holiday.

Just what do I say to people?

I wish I knew when I would have the operation. I hate uncertainty

1 in 2 of us will get cancer in our lifetimes and we have probably all been touched by the disease at some point, a parent, a grandparent, friend, colleague? But despite this seeming familiarity, a personal diagnosis knocks us for six and we just don’t know how to respond to it.

Can I do this.

I watch “A Place in the Sun” and allow my mind to drift to a retirement in the Spanish hills. If only lifer was simple and sunny.