Making Sense Of It All

                                                    

I am accustomed to strategizing and action planning, setting targets and goals, having a vision and a mission statement. I needed to apply some of this to my health now. I needed to find things out, I needed to get things down on paper (or screen), organised and structured and as far as possible I needed a plan. But for what? I needed a plan for finding out what I needed to know to help me plan.

Brain Mash!

As I have said, I’m not that good with uncertainty but I had to learn to manage it!

I excused myself from work duties and took myself for a walk, a chance to calm myself and think through what I wanted to achieve.

I decided to read up about penile cancer, everything I could find out, from the reputable medical sites and also, real life stories, what were people’s actual experiences? And I needed a plan for what I say, to who and when.

I couldn’t make a plan around the surgery, work, holiday etc. Fingers crossed I would get some news soon about the surgery and then I could get to work. Sounds like a Gantt chart might be the thing?

I read, and reread all of the medical sites. Yes, this is a rare cancer but the message was clear, no two cases are the same. Although most cases it seems are linked to the HPV virus, by no means all, there are several causes or high-risk factors, most of which did not apply.  The condition presents differently too, from growths, changes in skin colour, bleeding and discharge. And again, different treatment options, usually dependent on the stage of the cancer.

The information seemed quite clear, when discovered early penile cancer is “usually” curable. This was quite encouraging but equally the use of “usually” put some doubt into my head.

I was especially interested in real-life experiences of others but there was not much to be found, mostly just a few paragraphs here and there. Whilst there was definitely hope and good news in some of these there was also a clear warning coming through from others. With anything other than early diagnosis there was a risk of amputation, partial or full (double ouch!!) or spread of the disease which led to further surgeries to remove lymph nodes or death.

Sadly, many experienced a late diagnosis due to embarrassment and not seeking help soon enough and/or, very concerningly, a lack of knowledge and awareness on the part of GPs who, despite, protestations, insisted on referrals to an STI clinic.

And then, there was reference to the psychological and emotional impact of this cancer. At this point I’m still intact, alive and fully functioning and I whilst able to appreciate this, could not comprehend fully what it could be like. But it did scare me! How do I find out more? How do I prepare myself?

Bottom line, I didn’t think the outcome looked to bad for me. I didn’t know the ins and out of my case but I thought I knew enough to make a plan. I could tell people what was likely to happen and that I would more than likely be fine. I could carry on working, I would just give client the heads up of a bit of time off soon, although I minimised the impact of this (I have previous of conducting interview online from a hospital bed!!)

I still want to go on holiday though!

Before I get to tell anyone I get a call about the surgery. I saw the doctor on the Monday evening and on the Wednesday I had the call, could I go for a pre op the next day with the operation itself next week – in 8 days.

Bloody Hell! This is moving fast.